naeui saengil, oneul.
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Nov. 1st, 2008 | 04:45 am
location: in the middle of Heaven and Hell
It's my birthday, today. I'm excited but quite sad. Excited with all the plans that i have for today but sad that I'm getting older. How I wish that I could stay 20 forever. It's the age that puts you in the adult category but yet still young enough to be immature and act childishly without worrying much about anything. I'm happy with who I am today. I'm satisfied with my life now. Maybe because I have maturely accepted my fate and fully adapt to every situation that I have to face on everyday basis eventhough I might still have nothing to be proud of. Nothing to be compared to all those around me, especially my own family members. But then again, that's what life is all about. There's those who, who just have everything since they were born. And there's those who, who had to work so hard in their life to gain something and get good results in the end - the sweetness of victory and sweat. But there's also those of who, no matter what they do, no matter how hard they try, they will still fail. And I'm one of them. Do I give up just because I'm one of the unfortunate ones? No. Do I want to continue suffering in my everyday life? No. Then what should I do if I do not want any of those ends and continue living? Do you have the answer for me? Can you answer it for me?
I'm really tired and I want to stop all the madness. So I calm myself with prayers or just anything that can kidnap my mind out of it, even just for a while. But the more I depend on it, the deeper I fall to the darkness. And time flies so quickly, shaking me, as I suddenly realized that I'm not that kid with dreams anymore. I am now a grown woman who has tried hard in this life but ended up with nothing in both of my hands. And the soil that my feet are standing on is not even mine. Eventhough this land accepts me, it still not mine. And no where else will accepts me. Not this ugly self with too many pains to bear. Not this unfortunate self with too many pathetic destiny in the past. Not this self that has nothing to give.
But do I feel pity for myself? No. Do I want people to pity me then? a BIG No. But I'm satisfied with my life eventhough life sucks? Yes. Why? Because I've found the meaning in my life now though there's only one, that Death is awaiting for you no matter how you live.. and that no matter how successful you are in this life, it still won't guarantee you of Heaven once you die. So no matter how sucks my life is, once I die I'll still be in the same group as anyone who had success in this life and face the same thing that everyone will had to go through once they die.
Death to me will be the biggest exam ever as Heaven is the destination that I want for myself. And this Life is the education that I need to learn and study well for me to be able to answer all questions that will come once I die. I want to be able to succeed there, in the afterlife, rather than here as Life will be meaningless if all these years with pain that I had to go through will only resulting me in Hell.
But I'm alone. I'm too alone in this journey and sometimes it's making me crazy. I need somebody to teach me, to preach me, to make me learn everything that I need in a positive way. Sometimes I'm too focus on other things and it made me swayed away from my stands. And once I wake up, the time has traveled so much and I've lost a day. Another day gone by without anything fulfilled. Another day gone by without any gains.
Sometimes I wonder how much more can I take. Sometimes I wonder how much longer can I live. And I wonder that when everything's end, will it ends right for me, or will it be a 180 degree turn with everything's being totally negative and different from what I'm hoping for..?
I burn. And it scares me. Life, Death, Dreams. Everything.